My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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