And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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