Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
