her vagine was all disorganized.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my poor anus
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
