Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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