five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
