omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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