fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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