Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
