the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We need a shit load of segways right now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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