quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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