I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
