literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
