I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
