Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
