i was born a porn star she said
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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