Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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