my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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