he puts the penis in happiness.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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