we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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