Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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