____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
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Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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