I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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