"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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