i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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