It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
