Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
