The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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