I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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