life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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