i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
