hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
