You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
