i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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