my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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