I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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