Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
