And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
