you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is Oprah even human
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
