After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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