I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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