I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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