Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
