I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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