Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
