I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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