Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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