I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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