I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
