why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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