Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
