Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
