Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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