The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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