I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
