Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
